Can the sensation become a legend, we do not know, but we know all of the legends was a sensation for their period of time. There are many legends in the American democratic history, such as Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin Roosevelt and John Kennedy but is Barack Obama one of them? Can he be the leader of the nation in the most difficult times?
last Wednesday was the 1 anniversary of president Obamas inauguration or maybe the anniversary of Obamas broken promises. He promised many unbelievable thinks such as word without nuclear bombs and normal relation between USA and many problematic countries, he said that he is going to close the Guantanamo within one year, reshape the healthcare system and many other very respectable things that people never heard before from American president candidates, he told "Yes we can" and he could, he won the president elections and became the first Afro-American president of the USA and the new face of the big government and was elected not only by the American nation but by all of the word.
Now after one year of his presidentship we can see something changes, for example the war in Iraq is going to be finished, there are some reforms in the US banking system, the economic stimulus package has helped in some areas, such as important maintenance work and he trying to speak with the islamic word.
But there is still not a big difference between America before and after his election, the problems between US and problematic countries like Iran and Russia still had not solved even after Hillary Clinton and president Medvedev pressed the restart button, Iran is near to have nuclear bombs, Guantanamo yet to be closed, health care programme had been crashed, war in Afghanistan still going and unemployment in US is now more than 10% and it is growing, so where is the beautiful word that Obama spoke about.
Seems that many of these problems can not be solved just by Barack Obama, many of them need the absolutely political reorientation of US and all of the word and there are many extenuating factors on his way such as financial crises and the leaders of some countries who do not want to speak with him.
President Obama did not solve many of the problems of US, whatever, he did something more, he changed the Dynamic of the word and gave the new and more positive image to the US and he was the first person who spoke about the word without nuclear bombs. Conservative and very inflexible society of US could brake in the modern word and maybe he is the person who can adapt this country to the new life.
Can he be like Abraham Lincoln or George Washington and become the new political legend of the new America, we do not Know, but know that he is the start of the new period of Amarican modern history.
Sina AMS
Jan 25, 2010
A very engaging piece of writing Sina and I very much enjoyed reading it. You express your points in an organised, well-structured, and clear manner and link them all together very well. Your own views come across well and are supported, although it would have been better if you could have used some quotes from outside sources too, as this is something you should try to practise before university.
ReplyDeleteSome excellent language used too and you write in an appropriately academic fashion. The questions in the introduction are also an excellent way to grab the reader's attention and direct their focus. However, below are some things you can fix up for next time:
- 'the 1ST anniversary of president Obama's inauguration'
- 'normal relationS between USA and many problematic countries' (use plural 's' when talking about things in general or more than one)
- Be careful not to make your sentences too long - remember that a comma is not enough to separate ideas and you need to break ideas up a bit more:
'he said that he is going to close the Guantanamo within one year, reshape the healthcare system and many other very respectable things that people never heard before from American president candidates. HE SAID "Yes we can" and he could, he won the president elections and became the first Afro-American president of the USA and the new face of the big government. HE was elected not only by the American nation but by all of the WORLD'
- 'presidency'
- 'he IS trying to speak with the islamic word'
- Put a full stop after the topic sentence in a paragraph and then give the examples in the next sentence. It's a smoother style. Also, again, try not to make your sentences too long. Break them up and use linkers:
'But there is still not a big difference between America before and after his election. THE problems between US and problematic countries like Iran and Russia HAVE STILL NOT BEEN solved even after Hillary Clinton and president Medvedev pressed the restart button, Iran is near to have nuclear bombs AND Guantanamo IS yet to be closed. BESIDES THIS,the healthcare programme had been crashed, war in Afghanistan still going and unemployment in US is now more than 10% and it is growing. SO where is the beautiful WORLD that Obama spoke about.
-'there are many extenuating factors IN his way'
- 'ALTHOUGH President Obama did not solve many of the problems of US, he did something more:...'
Overall, an impressive piece of writing; just make sure you think about my comments above so you can sharpen your style up for next time.
Thanks Rui, I'll try to fix up my mistakes for next time.
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